For Toddler Parents | with Claudia Alvarez
“You don't have to go Instagram worthy to raise a child. That is a lie.”
A Montessori OG, Claudia Alvarez, speaks to today’s moms and dads…
Find Claudia Alvarez on her old Instagram @montessoritoddler.
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About Jesse McCarthy
For 20 years, Jesse McCarthy has worked with thousands of children, parents, teachers and administrators — as a principal for infants to 8th graders, an executive with a nationwide group of private schools, an elementary & junior-high teacher, and a parent-and-teacher mentor.
Jesse received his B.A. in psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and his Montessori teacher's diploma for ages 2.5 to 6+ from Association Montessori Internationale (AMI), the organization founded by Dr. Maria Montessori.
Jesse has spoken on early education and child development at schools around the globe, from Midwest America to the Middle East, as well as at popular organizations in and outside of the Montessori community: from AMI/USA to Twitter. Jesse now heads MontessoriEducation.com and hosts The Montessori Education Podcast.
Transcript: For Toddler Parents | with Claudia Alvarez
The educator Dr. Maria Montessori once said, "The child developing harmoniously, and the adult improving himself at his side, make a very exciting and attractive picture."
Welcome to Montessori Education, with me, Jesse McCarthy, where we talk raising children and educating students, while bettering ourselves right alongside them.
Hello everyone. If you are a parent or teacher of a toddler today, you know very well there's so much stuff out there to sift through. I mean, it can be overwhelming, confusing, sometimes just straight up ridiculous. So, what to do about it? I reached out to a friend and colleague who has serious knowledge and experience with the age group to get her take.
Claudia Alvarez has been working with toddlers for three decades as a teacher, head of school, parent, and now an expecting grandparent. She runs her own Montessori school, called Cornerstone in Illinois, that has classrooms for ages 15 months to 6 years old, and she has a parent-infant program there.
Claudia knows her stuff, and she is a bit old school as well, kind of no nonsense, which I personally appreciate She's also aware though of the trendy, fad saturated times we're in. She actually used to have a really popular instagram page herself, @montessoritoddler was the handle, with super simple photos, videos, meaningful commentary. But she got off social media because it was basically becoming a drag. Since Claudia is no longer posting, I reached out to see if she'd be open to sharing a few thoughts on our show here, and happily she was all in. So get ready for some straight shooting guidance from someone who is very, very good with young children.
Before we start, just one quick note that there's not much small talk here. I wanted to make things short and sweet, so I jump right into the main question I had for Claudia, and then she gets right to her quick three answers, and we go from there. Alright, let's do it.
What would you tell parents today, parents of toddlers, 18 months to three years old around that age?
Number one, I think Montessori is important more than any other time.
Number two is, being the loving leader. In a Montessori class room, teachers are called leads, guides, and that's for a reason, because we are leading and guiding children. But a child's first lead and guide is the parent, right? So step into that role without fear of, you know, of making mistakes.
And number three, allowing children to make mistakes and allowing yourself to make mistakes.
Or maybe it should be stop Googling. You're going to be okay. And your child is going to be okay.
Seeing where children are coming into the toddler house, within a toddler program, I see that many of the needs that children, um, need to exercise, to work on to actually be able to continue their development are not being met outside of the house because many parents are fearful.
I'm thinking of this one child, an older two year old. When you come into our building, you come into a landing and there are three steps to go into the different classrooms. And this child was two and a half and couldn't even go up those three steps.
And the mom said to me, "Oh, he doesn't do stairs."
And I'm thinking in my mind, Oh boy, you know, this child is close to three. He should be able to go up and down stairs. You know, we see it in many, Montessori schools, the low railing for the children to go up and down the stairs. This child didn't know what to do. So, you know, these last couple of years, what I've noticed is a lot of parents being afraid of letting their children do things physically that were just part of normal child development, like climbing up stairs, um, wobbling along and falling, tripping. Um, you know, I'm seeing more and more children that don't know how to put your hands out when they fall because they don't understand that. Even sitting. You know, when children come into the environment and we are working with them, you know, taking your work to the table, pulling out your chair, sitting down.
Um, you know, most of these Children are being picked up and placed, but, you know, it. That's the beauty in a prepared environment and why Montessori is so needed.
All you need is to place a child in a prepared environment, give them that consistency, and the repetition of doing these things and practicing, allowing them to make mistakes, while practicing these skills, and in I would say six weeks, sometimes even less than that, the child is walking up the stairs. You know, the child is pulling the chair out. The child is choosing a work independently. So I hear parents saying, "I want my child to be independent." But what I've seen, in the environment, and children who are starting, is children who are still being treated like infants instead of being allowed to, um, develop as a toddler should be able to develop, which is, when you're an infant, you're on the floor, you're learning to use your body, you're feeling what your body, what is my body feel like against this floor? Oh, I can move this shoulder. I can push up. I can arch my back. Parents are just not allowing a lot of this, um development that Montessori allows children to develop.
I'm curious, just thinking about young infants, as you said, moving around, and there's just such a trend to almost treat, an infant or a baby like this toy.
There's padding everywhere. There's, you know, that's this nice outfits and beautiful outfits where you're restricted. So is it, we're just making this kind of padded arena for a child at home where like, even the steps like, Well, we don't want them to fall down the step. So how would a parent make their home more like the environment that you're talking about, in the Montessori classroom?
So I always with parents, you know, when our parents come and we do conferences, they always say, "What can I do at home to continue what my child is doing here at school?" And I always tell parents: I'm so glad you asked. Your child is in the best Montessori environment, which is your home.
Your home is the baseline for everything else, right? You have the perfect practical life environment. You have the perfect outdoor environment. You have everything you need there. Do not replicate the classroom, in your home. You don't need all the short shelves. You don't need it to look like Instagram, you know, "I'm going to be rotating this."
You don't need to do that. Get a chair, pull it up to the sink, and have your child wash the vegetables. You don't even need a learning tower. Get a chair, pull it up. Have your child peel some carrots, have them take, you know, take the, the grapes off the stems. You don't have to go Instagram worthy to raise a child. That is a lie.
And Claudia, look at you saying like, Pull up a chair. It's so crazy. You know, I have a child now he's two years old, Ragnar, and the learning tower. I still think the learn tower is an awesome thing, but as I'm with my child, I'm like, Dude, what are you buying a 200- $300 thing for when literally a chair and if my son falls out of a chair, I mean, he's not on like concrete or something in the house.
So I love you saying just something as simple as that. Think about it, when I was raising my children, there were no learning towers, you know, there was a chair up to the counter. Yeah. That was it. Or I brought whatever I wanted them to do to their small table, but it wasn't what it is now.
A child's home is, is the best learning environment there could be. There's so much for them to do there without having to make extra expenditures to make it, you know, a Montessori classroom. There's no need to do that.
And you were talking a little bit, I think something with this fear. And I know you even mentioning the steps.
I know in many schools, when we tried to open a toddler program, which we eventually did, because you, you have work arounds, it was illegal, to go on certain floors with the toddlers because they would have to go upstairs. And now they, they're concerned. Oh, if there's a fire, the toddlers can't get out or they could fall.
So it's wild how even regulations, like our whole culture is kind of in this protective mode, not thinking of young children as actually capable beings. So this fear is not, it seems like, Oh, well, let's just get over our fear, but it's so all encompassing today. So I don't know if you're seeing that with parents.
I see that a lot, a lot. And I think when parents first come into our, our community, I see a lot of fear, you know, they're handing to us the most precious things in their life. Right? But what I tell parents is you have no idea what your child is capable of doing. And when they come for conferences and I tell them, show them videos of how Johnny is able to get a pitcher, an empty pitcher, from the handwashing stand, walk it over to the water source, manipulate opening that water source, walking that pitcher full of water across the handwashing table, pour that water into that bowl, put the pitcher down, you know, we can go on and on and on about how many steps it takes to wash your hands.
But something as simple as that leaves parents with their jaws open. They say to me, "I had no idea Johnny was capable of doing this." Not only is Johnny capable of doing that, they're capable of doing so much more. Children are amazing. I always tell parents, as human beings, we are created to survive, but not just to survive, Jesse, we are created to thrive. So children, when, when, when we're at school and I start clapping and I tell the children and young toddlers time to line up to go inside, they all come running and they all line up. And these are children under the age of two. Okay. It's not some militant, 'The children are doing what I tell them to do!'
No, this is just part of the routine. We're lining up to go inside. And believe it or not, for some reason, this culture has duped parents into believing that children listening and following instructions are bad for them. But I think it's actually an exercise in self control and being able to know, I am here. Now I'm called to go there. Now I'm going inside. My lead is leading me through, to go to where I need to go next, which is inside the environment into the building.
And these children are happy, they feel confident; true confidence and self esteem comes from knowing I can do for myself. I'm not being carried, into the building, put down. Nobody is changing my shoes for me, right? I'm doing all these things for myself.
So there there is a lot of fear and I think part of the fear comes from the culture now, which is, you know, You're so concerned about, mental health and emotional well being, and, um, you know, there's many things to be really concerned about.
But if we allow children to develop naturally, without letting fear lead us. We see amazing things happen. And I think the longer children spend in a, in a prepared environment, parents start relaxing. They start, "Oh, they can do this." Yeah, so they see the reality that it's possible.
So you kind of started with the first point here is that the Montessori environment or Montessori is needed now more than ever. And I think we were talking before, this is connected with that fear, you said you clap your hands, and these kids, they happily come.
So you as the guide in the classroom, you are this guide, or this leader, as I think you said, is another important thing. Can you talk about that? As parents, you know, what can they do similarly?
So. In a Montessori environment, a teacher is called a lead or a guide, and that is because we are leading and guiding children on this educational journey, right, on this preparation for life. But a child's first lead, a child's first guide, is the parent. So how do we help? how do we come alongside parents, in a culture that is saturated with information and misinformation, and tell them, You can do this?
You are your child's first lead. You are your child's first guide and you don't need to have a PhD, you don't have to have a vast knowledge that people are putting out there to do your job well. You, you can do this. I always tell parents, Start listening to your gut. It's that small, still voice inside of you that tells you That's not okay for a child to do. That's okay for a child to do. And the more you stop and listen to that small, still voice, the easier it becomes for you to grow confident in you as your child's lead or guide. When a child knows that the adult is leading and guiding them, the child rests in that care and knowledge of that adult, looking out for their best interest, caring for them.
That allows our child to rest in our care, and that opens up, that provides secure attachment, right? And when a child is securely attached, the brain fires up for learning. It is not a child's responsibility to look out for their own safety. That is our job. Our job is to provide safety and consistency, love, nurturing. And when we do that, a child is free to learn.
So this idea, of a parent, like they could say, Well, my gut is telling me I shouldn't let my child even climb on that chair, 'cause he could fall off. Whereas I think with us, we've seen so many children through our years, that we've kind of learned through observing that, Oh no, no, he's going to be good. He's not only going to be good, he's going to be handling that pitcher better than we can handle that pitcher. But say a parent with their first born. He's two years old or she's two. And this fear is overwhelming their ability to kind of be a guiding role for this child, and their fear is taking over.
And of course, the child's going to absorb that fear. So what's the step to go beyond? Because sometimes the gut today might be saying, 'Oh no, I've got to step in.' Because the, you know, they've kind of been saturated. How do they get past the fear and go, Let's see what happens. I'm here in case he falls. I'm here to catch him.
But let's see. How do you get to that step, do you think? I think it takes time, Jesse, you know, just like everything, I think it's part of the human experience. You know, I think of myself as a first time mom, and, um, I don't think I was as fear driven as a lot of new moms are, um, you know, I think one of the first things I would do is stop Googling.
You know, stop Googling, stop reading, stop, just kind of turn it off, turn it off. And one of the things I tell parents is, Call your mom, call your grandma, talk to an older neighbor who's raised children. And just kind of like spend time with them and you know, share with them. 'Hey, you know what, my child is doing this' and they'll be like, "Oh, that's okay, take it easy." You know, I tell parents instead of rushing in, walk over there, slowly, if you see your child climbing up a chair. You know, um, it's stuck, start walking over there slowly. You know, when I see a child doing something that I think, 'I know this child is able to do this, but they might need some help,' I move closer to that child. My presence is there and I'm close enough that if anything happens, that would be, um, a hazard to this child, that I'm able to intervene, but a hazard to me would be, um, you know, a 15 month old, you know, trying to climb on a climbing dome and me not being there, but a two year old climbing on the climbing dome and falling to me is, not really something to be extremely concerned about, because we're learning that falling, getting up, tripping These things are actually needed so our bodies know, Okay I can't do that because I fell last time. How do I need to adjust my movement to master this skill? So actually falling and tripping and making mistakes is good for you.
And we've known this all along, right? As Montessorians, you know, the struggle is essential. It's important for our children to make these mistakes in order to develop, you know, develop in a better way.
So in terms of, you being there, say at the, I don't know if it's Pikler Triangle, whatever the person is climbing, you're there. And you're like, Well, I can allow for a mistake with an older child, 'cause I kind of recognize. Right. If he falls, he might get a little bruise, but it's nothing big. But parents are a little bit more fearful this day of doing the "experiments" or allowing for that like trial and error. They want everything to be right the first time.
Whereas I think you were talking about that pitcher, even with the water that Man, how many times has, you know, Johnny spilled that before. So, Yeah, so maybe, you had mentioned before about, one of the three things was, Allow mistakes, or experiment. This sense that a parent can be free to, 'Yeah, something might not go well.
The water might spill.' So how do you develop, how did you develop that as a teacher and a parent to aid other parents? It's like, It's going to be a journey. There's going to be ups and downs. You got to allow your child to spill the water. You got to allow your child to fall off the one step, not 20 steps, obviously, but one step. How do you get that across to parents? Allow the trial and error. Allow the experience. What do you think?
Well, I think, parents are hungry for information, for knowledge, but there's a lot out there, right? So I think that I have been given the privilege of being able to, um, be a Montessorian for as long as I have been. So I've learned through trial and error also, you know, but mastery doesn't come unless there's been mistakes made along the way. It comes through practice.
The times that I get to sit down with parents and really talk to them is during conferences, or if I see something that might require a phone call. And, you know, we'll talk about something that a parent can practice at home. Um, but as I, as I've told, you know, parents, Maria Montessori said: development isn't linear. So I always tell parents it's peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys. So when we're in these, these, peaks, we're like, Yay! You know, everything's going well. But when we get to those valleys, I think we, we don't like dealing with the discomfort. We don't want to hear our child cry. We don't want to see our child struggle. You know, I have one little boy who's just learning to take his shoes off and he screams as if he's being chased around by a giant elephant, you know, he's like what and all he's doing is taking his shoe off and while he's screaming he's looking at me like, Take it off! You know, and all I say is, You can do it. I believe in you. And then the minute he takes it off the screaming stops, you know, I love it.
It's their way of communicating, right? I don't like this. You've been doing this for me for a long time and I still want you to do it for me. So I'm going to let you know that I don't like this. We're disrupting your sense of order, right? They've known that they have had somebody take their shoes off for 15 months and now you want me to take it off?
Yeah. I'm going to tell you, I don't like this. So, you know, you have to allow those outbursts. They're developmentally appropriate. They're letting you know you're changing things up on me. I don't like it. But the beauty of children is, whatever new skill you, you practice with them, they are driven to master that skill.
That's what Montessori does. So you know, you have to allow the struggles, you have to allow the mistakes, and not just for your child, but for you. Because you don't learn to parent well, unless you make a mistake and say, Uh, that didn't work. And guess what? The amazing thing about children is most children don't remember the mistakes you made.
They just adapt and they keep going. Children have an amazing way of adapting. I saw this through whole COVID thing. You know, when we reopened, children are amazing. They're amazing. And, and they are due all respect because of their innocence, but it doesn't mean that they're not capable. It means that we, you know, we respect the child and we love them, you know, lead them lovingly, um, and we allow them to struggle.
The struggle is essential to their development, and making mistakes is part of that. For your child and for you as the parent.
Thinking of what you just said is like when a child just as even the example of the shoes, like somebody starts crying, I think that the general tendency now is let me Google what an expert says. Let me Google what I'm supposed to do. And then of course, every expert has a counter expert who says the exact opposite thing.
And what you're saying is like, Chill out a bit Yes. Be with your child, maybe observe and then do the trial and error because, when you're actually with children, whether it's in the classroom or at home, if you do just stop and you're with the child versus like, 'Let me go find what the truth is somewhere', you start to like, Oh, let me, what is he saying?
Right. What is, what is she doing? Like, how is she, and as you know, as you learn, like, Oh yeah, he's upset that he wants me to do it. But as you said, 'Oh, we're in the process of learning, so you can do it.'
Yeah. Yeah. I believe in you. I mean, think about it. You know, when we do things for our children, right, for, you know, months or for years, and all of a sudden we're changing that routine on them, their developmentally appropriate thing to do is tell you, You're changing things up on me. I don't like it and I'm going to let you have it', you know, crying by throwing things, you know, but then once they realize, Oh, I can actually do this, then they start practicing that skill. So we have to be, we have to really be present for our children. Now, that doesn't mean that we, you know, are constantly watching and, you know, hovering.
No, but when we are, when we see our child trying to put their shoe on, you know, you'll see young Children under the age of two taking off their shoe, trying to put it on, taking off their shoe instead of swooping in real quickly and putting it on for them, if time allows and you have nowhere to be, let your child play with the shoe.
You know, they don't have to have the newest toy, the newest, you know, uh, wooden whatever is out on the market. Let them play with a shoe, let them explore that belt, let them put it on, take it off, let them take off their socks. It's these are all, basic things that children need to learn how to do. And you don't need to buy anything special for your child to learn to put on their shoes. You just have to let them try.
Now I wish we had an hour to go over, 'cause even the shoe, I know in your environment, if a parent comes in with like child's two and they've got shoe laces, you're like, Whoa, wait, what are you doing?
Or in your prepared environment, you have the time to do that, where a lot of parents, not only have they not prepared the home, but they haven't prepared themselves for what it takes to be with a child who's going to have to learn to tie his shoe. And it takes, Ooh, it takes time. It takes energy.
It takes patience. So I wish we could go on and on now. But anyways, go for it. Morning, Jesse. And I tell my staff: "Prepared adult, prepared environment, ladies. Let's go." You know, it's about you being prepared and about the environment being prepared. Are you ready to walk into this building prepared, to come alongside and lead and guide these children and help their families out? And is your environment ready? Is it prepared? Because it's a privilege, Jesse. You know this. You've worked with children, too. It is a privilege to be able to come alongside a child and their family and help them along their journey.
Yeah, we gain so much along it. So what I think I'll do is I'll see if any listeners want to dive deeper into any of these, and maybe we'll, we'll call you up Claudia and get back on. Absolutely. Well always a pleasure chatting, I'm happy you hopped on with us and, uh we will talk again soon. I, I love doing these things with you, Jesse. It's, it's, um, I, I love being able to just kind of talk these things out with you because it makes me feel, reminds me of like, Yes! you know..
Coming out of my conversation with Claudia, I want to quickly sum up the three key points she shared. One, Montessori is needed now more than ever, which I translate to: we all need to prepare an environment that actually aids children's healthy development, and that's versus us becoming an obstacle to it.
Now a lot goes into what that means in practice, obviously, but that is the overarching point.
Two, be the loving leader. I'll let Maria Montessori translate this one. This is from a lecture she gave in 1946 in London. It was said about teachers, but the point applies equally to parents. "The teacher and the children are not at all equals together. There are enough children in the class without the teacher becoming a child with the children." ... ... That's like BAM, you know. So in other words, in today's context, we cannot fall into fads that basically say adults and children are complete equals, with no leader needed. That is just not true.
Children deserve respect, just as we do, and part of that respect is knowing that, by nature, they need our guidance, our leadership.
And then three, allow children and ourselves to make mistakes. My translation here: really just get comfortable with trial and error, around children and most definitely with ourselves.
So that is it. That is the three. Thank you again to Claudia for sharing her wonderful guidance. If you want to reach Claudia, check out her old Instagram posts and handle @montessoritoddler. She is a busy lady, so just be patient, if you do try to reach out. As always, you can reach me, Jesse McCarthy, at MontessoriEducation.com.
And now really, really closing up, for those who stayed along for the whole ride here, during my recording with Claudia, my son actually got up from the middle of a nap, kind of abruptly, and I had to go check on him. Um, I want to share the dialogue that Claudia and I had about it, after the "official" recording was over, as I think you all might appreciate it in connection to the overall feel of today. So we will end with that. All my best everyone and until next time...
I'm going to do some editing. And then obviously Ragnar woke up. I had a big smile on my face, Jesse. I thought it was so cool that you're like, Hold on. And you went and you came back and you're like, Yeah, he got up, he didn't know where he was. And I think, you know, that's life. You weren't embarrassed about it. You were just like, Oh, I'll be right back.
Yeah, I think that's the kind of... our culture is phony right now. When you're on, you want to seem like you're the best, and it's like, Stop.
And you know, and there's such a frailty to, to who we are as human beings. And I think that's just kind of part of just being human. But I think the culture makes us even more frail. And we are so dependent on the opinions of others.
And if I had one thing to tell parents is, You're doing a good job. And don't worry so much about the picture, the shot, what it looks like to others, you know, don't, don't worry about it. Yeah. Get dirty. I love you. Thanks!
I love you saying, Call your mother or call your grandmother. 'Cause it's so like, "I don't want my mom's help." Why? You know? And it's like, stop. Even if it's nine out of 10 things they say are wrong, get the one, get the one, just listen, listen.
I, one of my, um, real quickly, I had a grandmother email me and say, 'I thank God my daughter has you in her life because I've been telling her these things, but she doesn't listen to me. And it's just basic stuff that I wish she would just kind of, relax and back off. And that made me feel good because I thought, okay, good. At least I'm being able to give like mom knowledge, you know, mom wisdom, to these young moms. Lot of getting lost in today's culture.
That's why I was saying, in one way I'm happy you're off Instagram, but in another way I'm bummed because there's just so much fluff and flashiness. And we need to get back to Grandma.