JESSE MCCARTHY | Coronavirus times

You were once just a normal parent. Those times are gone.

Now you are at home with the kids literally EVERY DAY.

For who knows how long.

And the line between parent and teacher has blurred, to the point that even though each of those roles is really, really difficult on its own, you are somehow expected to be both simultaneously, as a kind of ‘ParenTeacher’.

This is not an ideal situation, to put it lightly. Although there is a lot of comfort in being at home with loved ones during crisis, things are definitely starting to get a little stressful, and messy.

Having said this though, if you’re feeling like everything is actually going perfectly well for you at home right now, please feel free to stop reading — and here are some gold stars for a job well done!

But for the rest of us, the following ParenTeacher Paella should help you shine in your new dual-role in these crazy coronavirus times.

Ok, so first, why paella in the title…

Well, an 81-year-old veteran educator and great-grandmother named Silvia Dubovoy once offered paella as an analogy to illustrate a simple yet timeless point: we don’t learn by listening, we learn by doing:

“I want to see how it’s done. If you want to do a paella, you have to really do it. No matter how many times you can read the recipe, if you do not do it, you will not learn it.”

So this article will supply you with everything that goes into a ‘ParenTeacher Paella’ — i.e. what it takes not only to survive at home with the kids during these strange days but also to thrive like no other — and your job will be to make your own daily dish, so the speak.

Note that as you experiment and tweak things here and there, you very well might make a bad paella on any given day. But on no day will you be a bad cook. In other words, there will be no bad Moms or bad Dads here, only the potential for a few bad “meals” along the way.

Incidentally, if you happen to be the type who likes to jump past directions and get your hands dirty straightaway, you can always skip ahead to the end of this article, which has a 1-page PDF with everything you’ll need, including links to some great resources. I don’t recommend reading that first though, as it’s not a replacement for this article, but feel free to take a peek if you like.

With that said, vámonos, let’s get moving!

There are three parts to embracing and really nailing this whole at-home learning and ParenTeachering thing, and I’ll guide you through them:

Mindset — think of this as the flame needed for cooking
Schedule — this is the recipe for the bomb paella
Activities — these are the freshest ingredients

Each will take some work and practice, but the journey, the doing, will be well worth your and your child’s efforts.

So let’s hop in, starting with Part 1:

Mindset is the starting point — and ultimately the most important point — because we can’t even begin to aid children if we ourselves are all out of whack. So we first need to have our own heads in order.

A powerful story about this is told by the great educator (and mother) Maria Montessori:

You are that king. The kingdom is your household. And the necessary reforming is mainly in mindset — so let’s make it stronger.

One early step we all must take is to accept where we’re at and be OK with our “new normal”.

This includes just taking a moment to breathe. I know everyone says that — “You gotta breathe!” — but it cannot be said enough. (If you like karaoke, you can “just breathe” along with Pearl Jam here.) So breathe, breathe, breathe. And then breathe some more.

Along with breathing, the simple act of writing out a meaningful daily reminder or altitude checklist can also be hugely helpful. For instance, something like this:

And one thing we can never ever let go of, especially during stressful times, is our silliness.

But clearly what’s happening right now is not all fun and games. Not even close. So how else to ensure you don’t lose your mind while stuck up in the house all day with the kids and a new job?

And you really do have a new job. Becoming part teacher overnight is no joke. Imagine one day you head over to the doctor’s office with your child and the receptionist says, “Hey, I know you had an appointment this morning with the pediatrician, but he’s out so can you just handle things?”

“What?! But I’m not a doctor,” you might answer.

Wrong. You weren’t a doctor. Now you are. So it’s time to shine, Dr. Mom or Dr. Dad!

Whether you like it or not, you’re a ParenTeacher now. And if you’re going to thrive in your new role, in some ways you have to actually act like a doctor, at least in how good doctors generally approach things: i.e. scientifically. One of the most basic and best practices of all scientists is to not jump to conclusions about anything, but rather to first observe. Or put simply: look before leaping.

To make this real in the context of children, below is a fascinating video. It’s seemingly just an infant named Ruby reaching for a toy, but it actually holds a powerful truth, one that is applicable not only for Ruby and other infants but for all children, of any age. Check it out:

I’ve seen this video dozens of times, yet I still felt a slight urge to help Ruby. Did you? But not once did she show any sign of needing our help.

Here’s a related line attributed to Maria Montessori: ~“Never help a child with a task at which he feels he can succeed.”

Or as another Montessori educator, Tim Seldin, put the point: “Children like us to be nearby, but they do not always want us to interfere.” Given that many children are uniquely sensitive right now, and therefore might need more of our comfort than normal, Seldin’s words are particularly fitting.

But returning to Ruby, note that by our just simply stepping back and observing, or “following the child”, we come to find that our first impulse, in this case to help, was dead wrong. (At other times we might find that we aren’t helping enough, but that is much, much rarer.)

Ultimately, when we approach children with fresh eyes — without our own emotional expectations about what they can or cannot accomplish — we start to discover amazing potential. (For instance, here’s a two-year-old literally making coffee for his dad.)

Again, we need to observe.

But at this point I can just hear the (understandable) pushback: “Oh, that’s fine and dandy, ‘Just observe!’ ‘Follow the precious child!’ How beautiful. But how unrealistic!”

For instance, what happens when your three-year-old won’t even get dressed in the morning? or your six-year-old won’t put away her toys for lunch? or your elementary-aged child refuses to do any math work?

Again, this ParenTeacher thing is not all fun and games.

So let’s get something out of the way real quick: this bizarre new adventure everyone is experiencing at home right now will have ups and downs, no matter what.

No parent (or child) will get through this without some lows, and we have to accept that. But this doesn’t mean we can’t work to limit or lessen the dips.

And one way to accomplish this is to empathize, with your child and with yourself.

Let me explain this further, as I don’t want it to seem like a sappy or phony gimmick, for it definitely is not. If done right, this practice of acknowledging strong emotions — of really giving voice to one’s true feelings — can be hugely helpful, for child and adult alike.

Let’s take us adults first…

Do you know any couple, even without children in the house, who could go a few weeks straight on lockdown without at least once getting angry at one another? I don’t. (Incidentally, if you do know such a couple please have them email me.)

The reality is, we all get angry. The question is what to do with that anger, and with other strong emotions, some of which we might not even be fully aware of. Here’s the late child psychologist and parent educator Haim Ginott on the issue:

Bottom line, we need to do a better job of getting our emotions out.

For instance, maybe you’re feeling a little guilty, like, “I’m not doing enough for my kids right now…” — or it could be the opposite: “I’m doing too damn much for them, I need a break!” Or maybe you’re feeling cramped or trapped, “Ugh, why is he bothering me right now?! All I want is 20 minutes to myself!” — or again, the opposite: “Why is she always so OK with doing things on her own; am I that bad to be around??” Or maybe it’s just as simple and raw as, “When is this &#%!@$! coronavirus ordeal going to end?!”

In the case of becoming a ParenTeacher over night, it makes sense to feel a rollercoaster of emotions, from fear to stress to anger to a million other things. And it’s important to get those emotions out, and also to be OK with having them in the first place. Here’s a mom who seems to understand what I’m talking about:

But in discussing empathy, what I’m suggesting is a bit more private. For instance, here’s a simple solo exercise in acknowledging one’s own emotions: go into the bathroom, close the door, look in the mirror and ask yourself this:

And don’t be shy or hold back. It’s not, “I’m upset with my husband/wife.” It’s: “I WANT TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS HOUSE!”

This mirror time is a real ‘safe space,’ an opportunity to get out any and all feelings, uncensored, without having to worry about what other people think: not your kids, not your significant other, not your mother — no one. This is your opportunity to truly give voice to what you’re feeling. If you’ve never done this before, it can be seriously refreshing.

Quick note: this exercise doesn’t mean you have free rein to shout your emotions out at others. Again, it’s you alone in there. I’m emphasizing this because one purpose of this process, i.e. of acknowledging emotions and having empathy for yourself, is so that you do not wind up losing your cool on other people. (If you continue to find yourself really getting angry though, especially at your child, this might be helpful.)

Ok, so that’s some insight into having empathy with ourselves, as adults. Now on to children… Let’s start with a question: Do you allow hate in your home?

Hopefully that clip helps clarify the deep importance of empathy, of acknowledging emotions, but if you’d like more you can check out some of Haim Ginott’s ‘words of wisdom for parents’ here. And if you’re serious about gaining a more zen-like atmosphere in your home, and really mastering the mindset portion of the ParenTeacher Paella (you haven’t forgotten that we’re making a freakin’ tasty paella here have you??), then I can’t recommend enough Ginott’s book Between Parent and Child.

So in total this far under mindset (the flame), we have: accept, observe, and empathize. The last item in this part is adapt /iterate, which basically means taking whatever comes at you and doing your best to figure out how to handle it — and then, after you potentially make a mess of things, going at it again and again, each time utilizing the lessons you learned.

Embracing an adaptive/iterative approach is the only path to massive growth. The inventor Thomas Edison once said something in line with this, as noted in an anecdote shared by a longtime associate of his:

Edison clearly viewed his previous “failures” as necessary steps to success. After each unsuccessful attempt, he adapted, he iterated, he tried something new — until eventually he created an invention that would change the world forever.

To succeed at any endeavor, from inventing a lightbulb to being a parent and teacher at the same time, one must have the mindset that failure is an inevitable part of the process. As the basketball legend Michael Jordan once put it: “I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life, and that is why I succeed.”

If Edison’s and Jordan’s words aren’t enough, take a look at how this young woman bounced back from “failure”:

There is no way around it: If we want to flourish, we must learn from our falls — and then adapt/iterate to do better the next time, and fast. This is as true for an athlete on their playing field (a track, a basketball court) as it is for you as a ParenTeacher in yours (the home).

Ok, that’s it for mindset.

To be straight here, if in the days and weeks ahead you genuinely implement these things — so acceptance, observation, empathy, and adaptation/iteration — you probably won’t need much more aid. Many parents are getting overly stuck in the weeds of what it takes to “teach children” — you know, they’re compiling lesson plan after lesson plan, force feeding math-facts worksheets, overwhelming themselves with a million blog posts like “53 Academic Things To Do With Your Child While Stuck Inside”, etc. — and all before getting their head in order. That is a disaster. If the mindset work is skipped, one can’t really get anywhere … at least anywhere good. But if you do it first, and try to internalize it more and more along the way, then the other stuff — like the scheduling and activities that we’ll be covering next — becomes easy. Or, to be more realistic, it becomes easy-er.

With that said though, more goes into achieving success (into making that bomb ParenTeacher Paella) than only getting one’s internal world in order. Which leads us to Part 2…

Just as any great meal (say a tasty paella) needs some kind of recipe, so too any great day at home needs some kind of schedule.

Instead of getting into all the intricacies of best scheduling practices, I’m going to share with you an example schedule (a “sample recipe”). It doesn’t have to wind up being yours exactly — in fact, for many of you this particular schedule won’t work, as it might not take into account your unique context — but it’s a solid starting place to think about ordering your own day. Here you go:

And if that setup doesn’t appeal to you, how’s this more detailed one?

And if you don’t like either of these sample daily setups, there is always this wonderfully color-coded one, which is also translated into Spanish.

The overall point is you need some kind of schedule, some kind of order and routine to the day. And it’s also important to ensure everyone in the family knows it, and hopefully played at least some role in making it. As Haim Ginott notes:

Note also that there is a reason all three of the sample schedules I shared have a few similar sections in them, e.g. each has a definite work chunk, each has a time for physical activities, each has an opportunity for creativity. I’m not going to get into the why behind these, as for one I’m not sure everyone needs the guidance. (I know some of you are already great schedulers.) Also, I don’t like recreating wheels, especially when there are such well-functioning ones already out there. So I’ll leave the explaining to someone else who’s done a great job at it: Christina Clemer, who wrote an article over at Motherly, fittingly titled: ”Okay, but seriously: How do you schedule your day with kids home from school?” If you need the guidance, check it out.

Ok, now that you’ve got down a basic schedule (or recipe), it’s time for Part 3:

We’re at the last part of our ParenTeacher Paella: the activities (or fresh ingredients), which ironically are probably the first things most of your child’s teachers were scrambling to put together for you. And understandably, as all the scheduling and all the mindset work in the world won’t mean anything if there is nothing for your child to do at home!

What follows are four categories — Practical Life, Academics, Art & Creative Projects, Connection & Exploration — each with a few potential activities you can add to or subtract from depending on your child’s age, his/her interests, the space restrictions in your house, the materials available, etc.

These categories and activities are NOT meant to be “the definitive list of things to do,” nor do they exhaust what’s possible. Not even close.

They are merely a few simple examples to hopefully enhance what you’ve already found yourself, and to possibly elicit some new ideas of your own. Also, in line with the whole not-recreating-the-wheel point, I will link to a handful of external resources that I know others have found very useful. (Note that my focus will be on preschool- and kindergarten-aged children, but much of what’s covered is applicable for any age.)

With that, here we go…

Practical Life | The Process, not perfection, is the purpose.

Given the at-home circumstances right now, this is probably the most important category. If you’re not familiar with the terminology of “practical life,” for ease it’s basically any everyday household activity. Such as:

• making/unmaking the bed

• buttoning/unbuttoning shirts

• helping to prepare meals

• doing laundry

• cleaning shoes

• watering plants

• taking care of pets

• vacuuming

• organizing closets

• cleaning out the refrigerator

The list is really endless.

The idea here is to have engaging daily activities that a child can do on his/her own, with just a little guidance at first when needed.

In the case of practical life with younger children, it’s also important to know that the result or end product is not the goal. It’s the process that matters. It’s the act of getting a cloth, of wetting and putting soap on it, of moving that soapy cloth around a table, of drying that table afterward — these actions are what’s important to the child, and to her inner development. (This is one way in which children strengthen executive functioning skills.) So unlike us adults, the child is not necessarily focused on having a perfectly clean table; she merely enjoys the act of cleaning it, all on her own.

If you’d like step-by-step guidance for helping a child wash a table at home, visit here.

Also, returning to Silvia Dubovoy, the originator of the paella analogy, it’s important for us to keep in mind that “children do not learn by listening, they learn by doing.” Translation: we should stay away from big explanations and instead model how to do any particular activity, and then get out of the way. Depending on what the practical-life activity is, this might mean things get a little messy of course. But that’s OK, as your child has A LOT of time on his/her hands right now to learn how to clean things up.

As with everything when discussing activities, what you decide to have as options for practical life in your own home, and/or what your child creatively finds for him or herself, will depend on so many different factors. The point is just to ensure there are ample opportunities for such activities, and that you’re not hovering over your child at every step saying things like, “Hey, you missed a spot!” (Imagine if your spouse or significant other did that to you! Not fun.)

If you want some real world guidance with practical life (and with the other categories to come), probably the single best resource is a site called Montessori Guide. It offers wonderful footage of Montessori children and teachers in action alongside thoughtful commentary by veteran educators and parents. Although the videos are of classroom environments, so much of what you’ll see and feel is applicable at home.

Academics | Genuine learning can never be forced.

When we normally think of academics, we think of formal subjects like math, language, science. And that’s all good and I use those categories myself. But you are not a fully trained teacher with a fully stocked classroom. So I’d caution against trying to quickly transform yourself and your home into something they aren’t, as that is ultimately futile (and horribly stressful). Instead, in addition to whatever your child’s teacher shares with you, find creative ways to do math, to do language, to do science in your own unique way. For instance, here are a few quick ParenTeacher-style ways to help with academics at home:

Math

• Count money.

• Count all sorts of items in the house, e.g. How many shirts does Dad have? How many pairs of socks does Mom have? What if we add them all together — how many shirts and socks do we have in total?

• Go over the grocery-shopping receipt together. Even if your child doesn’t really get it all, he/she will get something from the experience.

Language

• Play “I spy.”

• Write out different letters, words, sentences, paragraphs… But be careful not to force this (or anything else), as that will backfire. These activities have to be genuinely engaging. For instance, you might ask, “Do you want to write a little note with me that I’ll be sending to Grandma?”

• Read — this goes without saying of course. But boy, now is the opportunity of a lifetime for reading. If your child isn’t into reading, again, don’t try to force it. For now, you can just ensure you yourself are reading, as eventually your child will come to read if you (happily) read around him or her. Actually, here’s the famous Mister Rogers on this broader point:

Science

• Play the float-sink game: grab a big bowl and fill it with water; then find a few different small items around the house and, one by one, have your child determine which of them floats and which of them sinks. (This helps a child learn to classify things in our world, a foundational aspect of science.)

• Categorize items in your house, similar to above. For instance, on a piece of paper draw two columns, with headers ‘Living’ and ‘Non-living’, and then have your child find living and non-living things all around the house, writing the name of each in its fitting column (and possibly making a drawing for each, too).

• Watch Mystery Doug. These short science-based YouTube clips are thoughtfully engaging for children. And the creators really focus on ensuring learning is real, versus the kind of mimicked “knowledge” many of us might remember during our traditional school bubble-test days. Mystery Doug is guilt-free “screen time.” (Here is a sample one on germs.)

Overall, I imagine your child’s teacher will be offering you all sorts of academic options for at home. With that work, as well as with the examples above, the main piece of advice I can offer, and that I hope you take seriously, is to not turn your home into a classroom, with you as some nagging teacher telling your ‘student’ things like, “You have to finish your work before you get any snack!”

If you want your home to be hell, then by all means, use the old carrot-and-stick approach.

But if you’d rather your home be a kind of peaceful palace, then don’t stress academics. Instead, ensure your child has a few engaging activities to choose from during each day’s individual work block in your schedule (recipe), and then walk away.

Whatever gets done, gets done. The only very strict rule I suggest you maintain — if you want to also maintain your sanity (and simultaneously help your child develop self-discipline) — is this: during that individual work time you are not to be disturbed. If you consistently enforce this, while maintaining your mindset (the flame), your child will eventually get real academic work done.

Art & Creative Projects | A little structure goes a long way.

We’re going to jump through this category quickly, in part because it doesn’t take an Einstein to come up with ideas here.

We’re talking activities like drawing, painting at an easel, doing puzzles, creating adventure stories, working with clay or PlayDoh.

You get the point.

This is where Pinterest alone could probably solve all your problems.

Just ensure your home doesn’t turn into a free-for-all, with a million different art & creative projects scattered all over the place. So maybe each day have out on a shelf only two to three art & creative activities, and from those your child can choose to work with one or all of them — and of course can also clean them up afterward. A little structure goes a looooonnnnngggggg way.

The only other reminder is to elicit ideas from your child. Getting their involvement will not only ensure they feel heard but it also could help keep the good stuff coming. As I’m sure you’ve experienced, kids can think up the most creative and cool projects at times!

Resource Break

If/when you find yourself running out of things to do, the following three resources offer great activities (fresh ingredients for that ParenTeacher paella) in every area so far: practical life, academics, art & creative projects:

The ultimate list of Montessori activities for babies, toddlers and preschoolers | a 44-page PDF that will keep you busy for many lives to come

How We Wonder | a much smaller daily blog with some simple yet meaningful activities for preschoolers/kindergarteners

Montessori Elementary at Home During School Closure: Parent Support | an active Facebook group for elementary parents

Connection & Exploration | Keep relationships and curiosity alive.

For our last category of activities, do you remember that sticky note from the early mindset work? One of the first questions on it was, “Who am I checking in on or connecting with today?”

I probably don’t have to emphasize the importance of staying connected during these times, but I will: STAY CONNECTED.

Do virtual chats with your child’s teachers, if they’re offering them; do them with friends and family; do them with other children and their families; do them with friends of friends. One way children learn about the world is through understanding how others process it. If your family is stuck in the house and your child is only experiencing you and your significant other and maybe one or two siblings — that is not enough. Echo chambers are just as bad in our households as they are on social media. So go mix it up on a Zoom call with someone new. (Incidentally, any of you happen to invest in Zoom before all this coronavirus craziness went down? 💰💰💰)

On these virtual calls you’re doing, you can accomplish much more than just chatting of course. You can have the other person(s) read a story, or you can read a story to the other side. You can sing songs together. You can clean the house together. You can drink together! You’ll come up with a few more creative options no doubt, if you haven’t already.

In terms of exploration, if you can still get out of the house, get out as much as possible. (I’m talking maybe taking a family walk to get some air, not going to a packed movie theater with the kids or something.) And when you’re out there, at some point you can become a scientist-explorer or detective with your child, looking for anything and everything you don’t know.

If you’re on full lockdown, however, the exploring will have to be on the Internet (or in books you have). Some people are afraid to hop on a computer with their child because of “too much technology.” For now, don’t let that stop you. You can get right on and say to your child, “Let’s find something fun to do for tomorrow!” Again, the more you involve them in the planning of their days (with you as the clear guide or leader of course), the better those days are going to be.

This might be a strange place to raise the next suggestion — to get your child a journal or diary — but I kind of think of it as inner-exploration. (It also fits in academics, under language.)

Starting a journal or diary may seem a bit gimmicky. But it isn’t. There are huge benefits to it.

For instance, it takes real time to think about and write down what one’s thinking and feeling during the day, so journaling can develop your child’s ability to introspect, to explore within.

Also, during these strange times a journal can serve as a daily record of this novel at-home experience, something that one day might feel like a priceless treasure to your future adult child.

There is also a deep and immediate personal benefit to having a journal, especially if you allow the whole thing to be completely a child’s own (or maybe parts of it if your son or daughter is very young).

As much as we might love one another as family, each of us needs time alone, to have our own private place once in a while.

Many people might not know this, but the diary that Anne Frank kept while in hiding was completely hers; no one else in the hideout was allowed to look at it. As Anne’s father (Otto Frank) said after the war: “She left the diary with me at night, in a briefcase next to the bed. I had promised her never to look in. I never did.” I can only imagine how special it must have been for young Anne to at least have that little bit of freedom in an otherwise horrifically unfree environment.

If you can get a diary for your child, please go for it. And if you don’t take my advice, I’m going to try to scare you into doing it with this quote:

Maria Montessori had a way with words, no?

And she was serious. And so am I. Everyone needs a place to get their feelings out, away from the eyes and ears of others. (Remember that ‘mirror time’? This is just a more sophisticated version of that.)

So please, please go buy a journal or diary for your child if he/she doesn’t already have one. Or if you’re on full quarantine or lockdown, just be creative and make one with your child out of what you can find around the house. I have to imagine some of you out there have way too much toilet paper anyway! 😅

Well, that is the whole enchilada — or more fittingly, the whole ParenTeacher Paella — consisting of mindset (the flame), schedule (sample recipe), and activities (fresh ingredients).

If you would like a 1-page summary of everything covered, with links and all, just click on the paella below.

In concluding here, my parting words will be pretty simple, and they’re for those moments when you might be doubting your ability to really handle it all. On such days, I hope you take a deep breath and remember something I haven’t yet mentioned but that is actually of utmost importance: Love.

As the late parent educator Silvana Montanaro said, “The best thing to offer to children is a loving relationship. This never changes throughout life: human love is a basic necessity.” And I wholeheartedly agree.

With that, my best wishes on the paella! 🥘👌

-Jesse

Jesse McCarthy is the Founder of Montessori Education, an organization dedicated to helping parents and teachers raise independent, flourishing children — while enjoying themselves along the way.